Sunday, May 2
All Of My Children
I'm a dutiful follower of a variety of parenting, adoption and homeschooling blogs. I love reading about big families getting bigger and bigger, homes filled with love and commitment, tips from happy couples or strong single moms, of disciplining and rewarding children for good or bad behaviours, and homeschooling curriculums fascinate me.
The authors of these blogs that I follow probably have taken a few minutes to check out my blog to see if it's similar to theirs, scanning for pictures of my children, seeing if I'm posting about lunchbox fills, or cute jokes my kids come up with. I feel really bad to say, but I'm sorry, I don't have any children.
When I was a little girl, all of my dolls were adopted children in my mind. As a teen, erroneously, I thought that women who had their own children were selfish for not adopting. In my twenties I signed up for adoption seminars. I wanted to build a career around being in the presence of children all day so I've earned a Bachelors Degree in Early Childhood Education and taught in several classrooms as a student teacher. But now, in my thirties and married, I want to desperately give my husband a biological baby of our own. My husband would truly make a wonderful father and I would love to look into a baby’s eyes and see my husbands', or my own.
I love children!
But my reality really stinks. Too often drooling after the babies I see in the local Tesco supermarket. I adore babies. But I’ve lost two by miscarriage and feel that a huge chunk of me died with each one. I think I would be an awesome Mom. Too often I find myself asking God why me? Why do I have to be the barren one in a family full of fertility-blessed women? Whose toes did I ever step on? I surely must have crushed then down to the white meat!
My mother used to tell me that her mother had 6 miscarriages before she conceived. I’m sorry but, “I’m just not that into you,” I would have to tell my ovaries, because 6 miscarriages would drive me straight loo loo. And in fact, I can’t bear to imagine experiencing a third miscarriage. I’m so afraid and I worry all the time. And I’m fearful that what God has placed into my heart will never get to manifest.
Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” And
And one of my favorite scriptures, 2nd Timothy 1:7 says “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” So my worrying and fear is truly out of place.
I’m thinking of adoption now. Again. It sets really well with my husband and I. So I’m back searching into it and learning all I can, and know that if God wills it, He will choose all of our children for us. And He will provide a way to get them home.
(Artwork by Eve; Materials: Colour Pencils and Paint.net free software download)