Sunday, May 2

All Of My Children

I'm a dutiful follower of a variety of parenting, adoption and homeschooling blogs. I love reading about big families getting bigger and bigger, homes filled with love and commitment, tips from happy couples or strong single moms, of disciplining and rewarding children for good or bad behaviours, and homeschooling curriculums fascinate me.

The authors of these blogs that I follow probably have taken a few minutes to check out my blog to see if it's similar to theirs, scanning for pictures of my children, seeing if I'm posting about lunchbox fills, or cute jokes my kids come up with. I feel really bad to say, but I'm sorry, I don't have any children.

When I was a little girl, all of my dolls were adopted children in my mind. As a teen, erroneously, I thought that women who had their own children were selfish for not adopting. In my twenties I signed up for adoption seminars. I wanted to build a career around being in the presence of children all day so I've earned a Bachelors Degree in Early Childhood Education and taught in several classrooms as a student teacher. But now, in my thirties and married, I want to desperately give my husband a biological baby of our own. My husband would truly make a wonderful father and I would love to look into a baby’s eyes and see my husbands', or my own.

I love children!

But my reality really stinks. Too often drooling after the babies I see in the local Tesco supermarket. I adore babies. But I’ve lost two by miscarriage and feel that a huge chunk of me died with each one. I think I would be an awesome Mom. Too often I find myself asking God why me? Why do I have to be the barren one in a family full of fertility-blessed women? Whose toes did I ever step on? I surely must have crushed then down to the white meat!

My mother used to tell me that her mother had 6 miscarriages before she conceived. I’m sorry but, “I’m just not that into you,” I would have to tell my ovaries, because 6 miscarriages would drive me straight loo loo. And in fact, I can’t bear to imagine experiencing a third miscarriage. I’m so afraid and I worry all the time. And I’m fearful that what God has placed into my heart will never get to manifest.

Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” And

And one of my favorite scriptures, 2nd Timothy 1:7 says “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” So my worrying and fear is truly out of place.

I’m thinking of adoption now. Again. It sets really well with my husband and I. So I’m back searching into it and learning all I can, and know that if God wills it, He will choose all of our children for us. And He will provide a way to get them home.
(Artwork by Eve; Materials: Colour Pencils and free software download)


Sean's Ladies said...

yes. x 100.

Salzwedel Family said...

I'm sorry about your losses. While I never experienced miscarriage, I did struggle with inferility for several years. It is SO HARD. Even though we were able to eventually have biological children, I still longed for (and finally got) an adopted child. God has your family already planned out and every detail will be provided for.

Kella said...

A miscarrage and an unexplained infertile period between both my girls birth explains their 6 year age difference (not how I wanted it at all).

Eve your family you envision for you and your hubby is out there waiting for you, just prepare for them and they would be delivered to you in the way they are mean't to be.

And give your fears to God, he'll know excatly what to do with it.


Sarah-Jane - said...

Bless you Eve and your lost little ones.

Adoption can be very fulfilling and you'd make a marvellous mum x

Eve said...

Thank you all for your shared experience and/or words of encouragement. It was hard for me to even revisit this post again due to it stiring lots of emotions.

I pray that one day my dreams will come true. All the best, ladies.

Meredith said...

Eve, you're very courageous to share something so personal. I don't have any children either (then again, I'm married in ZERO ways) and I've gotten reports from my doctors that I may not be able to have children.
It's a scary thing to even think about. I'm learning though, that God is HUGE. So huge, in fact, that we, through human understanding, could NEVER figure Him out!
I guess this is why trusting Him for absolutely everything is so important.

My younger twin brothers are adopted and since the day our family began going to different adoption agency social events and meetings, I've wanted to adopt. That was 18 years ago and the love for children has never left.

I think you're great for wanting so badly to give a child a loving home and parents to match! :)

I'll definitely be praying with and for you!

God will make it ALL make sense...soon!

Hope & High Heels,

Eve said...

Thank you Meredith for your understanding comment. I'm sorry about the reports the doctors are giving you, but never lose hope. As you said God is HUGE.

That's so cool that you grew up with adopted siblings in your home. You truly understand the love of someone who isn't blood, but as your blood. Hopefully God will bless us both in caring for the parentless. And by the way, that's whether you're married or not! :D

Kimmie said...

Bless you Eve for sharing this. I too am sorry for your losses.

I will add that when I look into my 7 adopted children's eyes...I see Him. I see His love, His care, His seeing Him; I don't care if I see me or my Knight. Seeing Him makes it all so perfect.

As far as being ready or willing to adopt, pray with your Knight...if both of you bend your knees and your hearts before Him, certainly He will show you the way and direct your path. As far as Him providing...well..He will is who He is, it is one of His names...Jehovah Jireh (Lord, my Provider.)

And you KNOW He loves orphans (He commands us as Christ followers to care for them. James 1:27) So you will have His blessing, His provision and His favor as you set to seek His path for you. Don't let fear hold you back Eve.

Let me know if I can be of any help.

mama to 8
one homemade and 7 adopted

AJH said...

I have been to your blog several times since you first commented on mine and I enjoy reading your posts! They all seem very real! Adoption is a wonderful thing, but a emotional thing! I would not change the fact that we have two beautiful children by adoption, 4 angels with the Lord through miscarriage, and now twin foster girls that we would one day love to be thier forever family! May you be blessed as you seek Gods will for your life!

Eve said...

Thank you Kimmie,
I totally understand what you meant about seeing HIM when you look into your children's eyes, what a blessing. You raise your children the way I would like to raise my own. My husband and I are looking to Him to provide. Thank you for your encouragement.

Thank you AJH, for visiting my blog and leaving such a wonderful comment. You have a beautiful family and I know you appreciate them all the more for having lost 4 little ones. I look forward to reading about and seeing your twin girls after they are yours forever. May God continue to bless you.

LoverofWords said...

Hi Eve,

Thank you for the comment on my blog and I welcome you. I came here to see what you write about and when I found this post I wondered if that was how you found me in the first place. I am on the adoption journey as well. I am a foster parent right now. After all of the miscarriages, two cancers and the negative pregnancy test. I asked myself one question: Do you want to be a mother or do you want to be pregnant?

I decided that I wanted to be a mother more than anything and fostering and adopting was the logical way.

Eve said...

Wow, 'LoverofWords' thanks for sharing your story with me, you've gone through so much. And the question you've asked youself only makes sense, you simply want to be a Mother more than anything. Powerful.

Thank you for visiting my blog, I look forward to hearing from you again.

Uma Preve said...

Eve, you will always make a wonderful mum whether they are own or not. You are an awesome person. Pray and you shall receive! God bless you always dear!

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